Off the Menu
by Slue
Summary: The god tongue may have tasted everything the culinary world has to offer, but there's still one thing left that she hasn't tried. Soma x Erina.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: I've only watched the anime, I haven't read the manga! First time in the fandom, second fic overall, please be kind.

...

The god tongue was both a blessing and a curse.

Of course, the blessing portion of the deal was obvious – Erina was rich, famous, praised, and destined for greatness. Her ability to decipher a good dish from bad went far beyond normal capabilities, and her palate was one to envy. She still remembered wearing an opal-sequined dress to her first cheese and wine tasting, and single-handedly blowing famous brands out of business. But this uncanny ability to understand and manipulate every flavour came with a drawback.

Boredom.

Erina was eighteen years old, still an Elite member, gearing to graduate, and she was _bored._

Dishes were losing their touch. No matter how creative or careful the cooks were, she had tasted it all before. Sure, it was still _good,_ all of the food, but it was _boring._ She felt like her tongue had been dried up and used – having already dealt with all of the endless possibilities of the cooking world. Even great cooks weren't able to muster up her tongue.

She recognized their abilities. She just wasn't awed by them anymore.

Erina smoothed out her blonde hair, and stared at the dress she was wearing. It was a beautiful pale blue – silk, chiffon and pearls adorned. It was time for the year 12 Italian festival. She forced a smile on her face, and thought, _time for another day of pretending the food I'm eating is orgasmic, even when I've eaten it all before._

The festival was raving with tables of food. It was optional, of course, to cook, but most people had opted to show off their skills. Many graduates were getting recruited by famous restaurants, and it never hurt to indulge in an opportunity to display skills. Erina wasn't cooking. She didn't see the need for it. She was already a shoo-in for any restaurant in any country.

"Is this supposed to be Caramelle pasta?" Erina asked Takumi, who was the closest table to the entrance.

He blinked, and grinned. "Yes! Try it, Erina-sama."

She poked at it with her fork, and took a bite. She recognized the technique and effort that had went into creating this recipe. The food was flawless. Too bad it did nothing for her.

"Not bad," she said.

"Not bad?" Takumi gasped. "It's soul-wrenching! Much better than Yukihira Soma's."

" _Everyone's_ cooking is much better than his," Erina said, a small pit of anger bursting against her stomach.

"You have to acknowledge that he has skill," he said.

Erina glared. "Did you say something?"

He backed away sheepishly. "N-no…"

Looking him up and down with a wrinkled nose, she strode down the hallway. Many eyes burned into her back, admiring the strapless dress and her long shiny hair. Boys drooled over her legs and breasts, and girls envied her alike. She wished she had Hisako around. She felt bare without her only friend and secretary. The eyes seemed to slip in deeper than usual.

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Soma eagerly offering up his dish of choice – some Salmon thing. She couldn't be bothered to know what it was. Still, she felt compelled to walk over and say a few words to express her disgust of him.

"Yukihira Soma" she said. "I can't believe a lowlife like you is still hanging around."

Soma glanced up from his customers, and shot an impish grin. "Nakiri. Here to try out my Salmon cakes, are you?"

"Salmon _cakes_? That's not even Italian."

"I added an Italian twist. You should try it."

She snubbed her nose. "No thank you."

"It's amazing," he said, sounding awed. "After all these years, you still hang onto a grudge."

"It is _not_ a grudge," she said. "You deserve it."

"For what, again?" he questioned.

"For being infuriating."

His grin stretched wider. "Infuriatingly _sexy._ "

Heat rose to her cheeks, and she hit him wildly on the arm. "Shut up!"

"My, my, is that color on your face?"

"SHUT UP!"

She crossed her arms, and closed her eyes, embarrassment still flooding across her expression. She really wished Hisako was here now, but the girl was sick in bed with a fever. When she opened her eyes, she found Soma staring at her, blinking cutely. No! _Not_ blinking cutely… _obviously not…_ rather blinking like the clueless idiot he was.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Nothing." He shook his head, mouth twisting. "You know, you don't seem very impressed lately."

He had noticed? She refused to allow her heart to jump. Instead, she simply scowled at him, still trying to regain her composure. That much was true. She was dying for something that tasted good. Something that allowed flavour to burst into her mouth. Something rich and steamy and enticing. Something that lit her up from the inside. Something she had never tasted befor-

"-Oof!"

Something shrimp-shaped was crammed into her mouth.

"New recipe," Soma grinned.

"New— _this is horrid,_ " she said. "Dried shrimp with strawberry jam. You're vile. You're _despicable."_

Soma furrowed his brow, staring at her. "You don't seem affected."

"It tasted like your sorry ass."

It was the perfect opportunity to tease her, but instead, he said, "You're saying all these mean things, but… you don't look disgusted."

Why was he so perceptive? She didn't answer, trying to swallow down the vomit-inducing shrimp. It tasted bad, of course, but once again, it was all too _bland._ But she wasn't used to eating dried shrimp with strawberry jam, so why wasn't she gagging? A horrifying thought occurred to her. Were her taste buds…losing their touch?

She licked her lips.

The crowds milling around, eyeing her like a piece of meat, suddenly felt like too much. The fact that she hadn't tasted something _good_ in ages made her ache for the past. Feeling oddly vulnerable, in front of _Soma_ of all people, she hastily bid a goodbye.

"I- I'll be back. I need a drink after you shoved that down my throat."

Soma stared at her. "Nakiri-"

She didn't listen to him, her steps clipped as she reached the exit door and stepped out into the hallway. Most of the student body was at the festival, so the corridor was empty. She walked over to the drinking fountain and took a fresh few gulps. After she was done, she leaned against the hallway and closed her eyes.

She was Nakiri Erina.

She was the holder of the god tongue.

She was unsurpassable.

So why couldn't she feel excited about food? What was this slump?

A shadow fell over her. She didn't open her eyes. "Yukihira-kun, stop following me."

He stepped over. "Were you crying?"

Her eyes flicked open. "Why would I be?"

"You stormed off into the hallway like you were going to burst into tears."

She put her hands on her hips. "Have I _ever_ burst into tears?"

He paused. "No."

"Point in case," she said.

They stood their silently for a moment. Erina had her arms crossed, eyes blazing, and Soma stood in front of her, hands tucked in his pockets, one eyebrow raised. He was eighteen now, and he had grown even more handsome than before.

"I can read you like a book," Soma said.

She felt her heart stutter a beat. "You don't know anything about me."

"Maybe not," he said. "But I know my cooking. And you haven't been impressed with it lately."

She scoffed. "When have I _ever_ been impressed with it?"

"Since the very first time you tasted it. The egg dish."

"Disgusting," she said.

"You lie," he said.

"Accept my criticism and move on," Erina said swiftly.

"You have some shrimp on your lips," Soma said randomly.

Erina went red. "I-I do not!"

"Here, let me."

Erina stared at him with huge eyes, momentarily frozen in place as he leaned in. Even as her body tightened, she felt certain that there was _no way_ he was actually going to do what he looked like he was going to do. There was just no way… there was _no way_ … what… what was this taste… these lips, so soft and rich with flavour… she could feel her knees buckle as the taste of his lips rushed through her, sending a tingle over her body.

She, unwillingly, moaned.

For the first time in a very long time, her taste buds came to life.

He pulled back.

 _W-what? No! She wanted the taste back!_

Her eyes widened.

He was already stepping back.

"H-hey," she said, desperate for more but too stubborn with her pride.

"Finally impressed?" Soma said, and she realized as he was walking away that he had his white cloth tied around his head, which he usually wore when he was taking action in the kitchen. Her heart beat wildly against her chest, and her lips craved more of his touch. How had he ignited such a rush when even food from previous alumni could no longer satisfy her palate…

She stood there numbly until she realized what he had said.

"Wait! NO! I was NOT impressed!" she shouted. "I WAS THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED!"

He was already gone, and she realized she sounded mental shouting at nothing.

Erina slumped against the hallway, her arms still crawling. She blew out a breath.

 _No._

 _She was not impressed at all._


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: I was originally going to leave this as a one-shot, but a lot of people requested a longer story, so I tried for a second chapter. Enjoy!

...

A few hours later, Erina closed the door to her quarters, and crumpled onto the ground.

Her face was cherry tomato red and her lips felt hot and tingly. She still could not believe it. Soma had kissed her. He'd kissed her – just like that! Her heart raved against her chest, and her limbs quivered as the memory replayed in her head. _Soft lips, full of flavour, expertly pushing up her lower lip-_

Erina groaned, and buried her face in her knees.

 _This was humiliating._ It's not like she'd enjoyed the kiss. Okay, he was definitely a good kisser, and he'd smelled so good close up like that, but – but she _didn't_ like it. He was an obnoxious boy raised on the streets. He'd only smelled good because he'd been surrounded by good food. His lips were only soft because –

because of the food! He'd probably tasted the recipes beforehand, and surely some oil must have glossed his lips up!

They were probably really dry and cracked otherwise.

Erina nodded feverishly to herself at this conclusion, and straightened up. She took a deep breath, and a shudder went through her body. Steadying her restless heart, she repeated, _he's a loser, he's a loser, he's a loser, he's a loser, he's a loser_ like a mantra in her head. With that solace firmly implanted in her head, she opened her door and-

"Hi, Erina-sama," Hisako said cheerfully, face popping up into the doorway.

In a moment of frenzy, Erina shouted, "I didn't like it!"

"You didn't like…" Hisako trailed off. She had a white cloth wrapped around her head, and sweat beaded down her face. "I just wanted to tell you that the nurse said I have to take the night off tomorrow."

Erina stared, and blinked. Flushing lightly, she said primly, "Of course. Feel better, Hisako."

"I will?" Her friend raised a single brow. "Is something going on?"

"Nothing is going on," Erina said. "Nothing at all."

Hisako was giving her a weird look, so Erina hastily parted and made way down the hallway. That was close. She could still feel her friend burning holes into her back, so she flipped her hair and tried to walk as confidently as she usually did. Her insides were still like knotted spaghetti, but she had to at least maintain composure on the outside.

As she walked down the hallway, she saw Soma cooking through the windows of the kitchen. His head was bent over, and he was dicing avocado with rapid precision. She paused, and watched his nimble fingers work.

Her eyes shadowed.

That boy… everything about him made her so angry. He was so… careless!

 _And just kissing her like that… hmph…_

She watched as he shifted his weight, and began mashing the avocado, his arms flexing.

Erina twisted her lips, and her sadistic streak ran through her like a flash of heat in her veins.

If he wanted to be a tease, she wouldn't be one to back down. After all, Soma may have been a good kisser, but Erina was the one with the godly tongue.

The game was on, and Erina _never_ lost a challenge.

xxxx

 _She'll probably send you to jail._

Soma berated himself as he pounded down on the avocado like there was no tomorrow. He'd gone and kissed the Ice Queen of all people! It had seemed like the right thing to do at the time. She'd run off by herself, her taste buds had been malfunctioning, and her lips had just been so full and pink and _right_ there. Plus the shrimp!

He hadn't been lying or anything. There had been a little bit of leftover jam on her lips from the jam-and-shrimp he'd given her.

It had made sense at the time. He'd felt like a rock star as he strode away, leaving her in numb and bare shock. But as he mulled over the event, he realized what a dangerous move it was. This was Erina. She didn't take well to being humiliated. And he'd definitely caught her off guard, and embarrassed her.

 _With her money and status, she could probably send me to jail for sexual harassment._

He wouldn't put it past her. She had a way of getting her revenge. But she'd definitely _responded,_ very eagerly.

Soma cursed in his head, and nearly chopped his finger off. Great. He was panicking in the kitchen. He wished his father was there to slap his hands and get his head back in gear. But alas, he was all alone, with a mind full of Nakiri Erina…

"Soma," Erina purred.

Soma nearly jumped three feet in the air. "Nakiri," he said, heart beat steadying for a moment – then speeding up again. "What- what are you doing here?"

"I believe we had some unfinished business," Erina drawled. Were her lips always so… _plush_?

He focused on her eyes. "Heh- about before, it was just to help you taste again! I know food was getting boring, and we couldn't have that-"

Erina pressed her finger to his lips, effectively shushing him, and he clamped his mouth shut. Okay. This was weird. And wow, her breasts were big.

 _Soma! Focus!_ _Ice Queen! Jail!_

"Shhhhh," she said. Her breath was hot against his neck. "Soma…"

And since when did she call him Soma?

Soma swallowed, and awkwardly eyed her. "I'm cooking."

"You _are_ burning up." she nodded, the edge of her lips brushing his nape. "So hot…"

"C-cooking.. I should get back to cooking-" he stuttered.

"You should" she said. Her voice sounded breathless, and she leaned across his shoulder to whisper into his ear. Her body pressed up against his, and _holy shit,_ things were getting hot, and it _wasn't_ the steam from his stir-fry. "Soma," she whispered, her lips hovering outside the curve of his ear. He braced himself. "You _disgust_ me."

Soma blinked. Wait? What?

Erina moved back in less than a second, eyed him sharply, and said, "That sauce needs more spice. It smells just like I would expect from a low-grade diner."

 _What?_

She turned on her heel, and strutted away.

Soma blinked, and stared at his pot. He tasted his sauce. It seemed fine to him. He whirled back around where he only caught the end of her hair disappearing down the hallway.

 _What the HELL had just happened?_


	3. Chapter 3

Erina may have solved one problem, but the other one – the _main_ problem – still existed.

She'd shaken up Soma with her seductive tactics, but her tongue still felt worn and drab. The gourmet food she had been given for breakfast was… well, it was so _boring_ that she didn't even remember what she'd had. Was it an omelet… or some professional hash brown? Erina strained her brain, but her mind came up blank.

Boring.

She didn't know what the recipe had been, but it had been boring.

Her chef coat fit her voluptuous body, hugging all her curves. Her blonde hair was tied in a crisp, neat ponytail and her plum eyes scoured the room with distaste. She couldn't believe she had to participate in classes regularly now. Most of the time, she'd been exempt from classes because of her talent that knew no bounds, but in Year 12, the competition had simmered down to only the best, and she'd been told she had to compete for fair examination.

 _Pfft. Compete. She was better than all of them anyway._

From the corner of her eye, she saw Soma grinning eagerly for their assignment of the day. He didn't look disturbed from what had occurred the evening before, but Erina still kept her eyes away from him. Even though she'd shaken him up, she herself had been quite uncomfortable. Being so close to him… he'd smelled like crisp spring celery and smoked bacon combined.

Which sounded weird, but… it had been quite… _enticing…_

"Get a grip," Erina whispered to herself.

In the front of the class, the professor, a specialist in vegetarian dishes, clapped his hands together. "Okay. We've been doing a lot of individual assignments because it's the last year, and we need your originality to shine… however, for a nice break, we thought we'd do a partnered assignment."

Erina groaned. Someone to slow her down. She couldn't even partner with Hisako because her friend had to rest. The professor started pairing people off.

Maybe she'd partner with someone that would let her do the cooking.

She didn't need someone just as headstrong as her. If the person she was partnered with felt like pushing their ideas on the dish, or taking control in the kitchen, she'd definitely burst a vein. If the person was sweet, submissive, and revered her… she could do all the cooking, and they could do the boring prep work. Yes, that sounded about right. Someone submissive, dutiful, obedient…

"Erina."

Erina straightened up.

The professor read his clip board. "You'll be with… Soma."

In an instant, heat flooded her body, but she forced herself to nod curtly. She refused to look at Soma, who was either dreading it as much as her, or grinning cruelly. Taking a peek, he was giving her a thumbs up, smiling widely. _Great,_ she thought, _she'd only encouraged him with her incident last night._

"Come here," she mouthed, pointing to her kitchen station.

He frowned, and pointed to his station, which was at the front. "Closer to the ingredients," he mouthed back.

She shook her head vehemently. She was _not_ moving. "You come _here_ ," she hissed through her teeth.

He pursed his lips. "The ingredients!" he mouthed once more, arms flailing. "Closer!"

 _Stupid Soma…_

With a huff, she squared her shoulders, and moved down the aisle. He had a point about the ingredients, so she wasn't going to be too stubborn. Many of the guys eyed her appreciatively as she walked down. When she reached the station, she wanted to step on Soma's foot, but then she'd be like… who was that other diner cook? Right, Takumi. Then she'd be like him. But she was respectable. She was above them all.

Soma shot her a look, and she shot him one back. She wasn't sure what _his_ look meant, but hers was one of pure contempt.

The professor said, "Now that you're a paired up, the assignment is simple. Cook a simple vegetarian dish."

"That's all?" someone called.

"There is a small requirement," the professor said. "It can be anything you'd like, however, you're not allowed to use meat alternatives like fake meat or tofu."

"What?" Mito said, outraged from the back. "But meat is the star of any dish!"

"No, it's not," the professor said calmly.

As people complained, Erina eyed Soma with a fervent look. "We're making vegetarian chili."

"That's so typical," Soma protested. "Let's make something more unique! Like…" His eyes lit up. "Like – like a type of soup! Have you ever made white gazpacho sou-"

"Soup is way more typical than chili," Erina snapped. "I'm the chef here. You're… the sous chef."

Soma's eyes darkened. "I'm not just going to cut vegetables."

"That's all you're good for," Erina said.

"It's year 12 and I'm still here. How have I not proved myself to you?"

"You got lucky," Erina muttered, face warming.

"Lucky," Soma echoed in disbelief.

The professor hit the timer, and a ding rang around the room. Erina smoothed out her hair, and calmly said, "We better get ingredients for a good chili," she said.

"Soup," Soma said. "I think you meant to say soup."

They stared at each other. Then with a war cry, Soma charged for the ingredients. Not about to lose, Erina skirted her way through, smiling smugly when everyone parted way for her. Soma may have been physically stronger, but she was going to get the ingredients for her chili first. Anyway, what kind of person thought _soup_ was unique?

"By the way," the professor called. "Ingredients are limited. Choose wisely."

Soma's eyes widened, and they met eyes. They both needed a lot of similar vegetables for their dishes.

 _Oh, it was on._

Both of them dived.

….

 _One hour later…_

"What… is _this?"_ the professor said skeptically.

Erina stood uncomfortably in front of the professor, feeling ashamed of her dish for the first time in… well, _ever._ It was a heap in a bowl – a sloppy slew of vegetables with some white soup poured over it. Soma didn't look much happier next to her, tugging uncomfortably at his chef apron strings. "It's, um, it's… vegetarian chil-" she started.

"… soup," Soma interrupted.

"Chili," Erina said through gritted teeth.

"Soup," Soma responded brightly.

"Chili," Erina said, and this time, she couldn't resist. She stepped on his foot.

He winced. "Fine! It's Chili soup!"

The professor stared at it regrettably. Then with his spoon, he reluctantly took a spoonful, and shoved it in his mouth. Immediately, his face recoiled, and his lips twisted. It took a moment for him to get words out, and even longer for him to swallow down the food. After a painful few minutes, he said, "I expected great work from two chefs as talented as you both… but this… this is… this has set the bar really low." He grimaced. "How much salt did you put in here?"

"Just a few pinches," Erina said.

Soma whitened. "Wait? You added salt?"

"Yes," Erina said sharply.

"Oh… well, I added salt too."

"What?!"

"I didn't know you added it!"

"What kind of sous chef are you?!"

"I wasn't going to sit on the sidelines! My soup would have turned out great!"

"So would my _chili._ "

The professor tried to intercept. "I'll let this one slide because I'm sure it was an unfortunate accident-"

"You ruined everything," Erina hissed.

"Me? You're the one who won't treat me like I'm your equal!"

"Equal?" Erina laughed harshly. "You wish!"

"That's why we did bad. Because of your attitude."

"You're just going to ignore the fact that you added too much salt?"

"I didn't _know."_

The professor nervously scratched his head. "It's okay. Look, it's not a big deal, mistakes happen-"

"Well, you should have known!" Erina said. "How the hell did you run a restaurant?"

"My father wasn't a snob! That's how!'

"At least I don't kiss people randomly!" Erina sputtered out.

Soma flushed slightly. "I'm not the one who was acting all seductive before!"

The class snickered.

"Shut up," Erina said viciously.

"Make me," Soma said.

The professor clapped his hands. "Okay, that's enough-"

"I HATE YOU!" Erina cried.

"AS IF YOU HAVEN'T SAID THAT ENOUGH TIMES!"

The professor twitched.

"YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!"

"WELL, I'M HERE- SO DEAL WITH IT!"

The professor snapped his ruler on his desk, and the whipping sound went around the room. Erina and Soma both froze.

"Both of you gets E's," the professor said calmly. "And detention after classes."

"But- it was her fault-"

"-It's not fair – he's an idiot-"

"Detention," the professor said crisply. "You'll both be cutting onions until your eyes burn." He eyed them sharply. " _Together. In the same room."_

Later, as she grabbed her bag and headed toward the detention hall, Erina mused with ire, it wasn't the cutting onions or the staying after school that was really a punishment. It was his last words, _together, in the same room,_ that irked her the most.


End file.
